The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself. – Anna Quindlen

 - The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself. – Anna Quindlen


photo credit: kay lay ale

photo credit: kay lay ale

His back was turned toward me as we both lay here in bed; dressed in our garments. He hadn’t initiated sex in years and I wondered once again if he found me attractive, if he was getting sexually satisfied through other women…or if he was gay. I cannot know the answers because no matter how many attempts I made to open the doors to communicate, he would shut me down.

Since I operated under the belief system that a couple should have sex at least three times a week, I touched him and attempted to arouse him. At first he didn’t respond, but I was persistent. We were allowed only one position (his choice, but I did not know why because it was not up for discussion, yet again)…no variety, no foreplay for me, just me attempting to arouse him. I got the feeling he resented me taking the initiative, yet I was at an utter loss as to what else I could do.

No hugging or kissing was allowed. He had stopped holding my hand, kissing me or hugging me years ago.

In the beginning, when he would initiate, I would orgasm, but anymore, I would fake it, it was easier that way. I craved intimacy.  I knew it was possible, yet it eluded me. No matter how many times I reached out to him, no matter how many attempts I made, no matter how many self help books I read, intimacy in my marriage and in the bedroom evaded me every time.

The garments came off; well, almost. I had stopped taking off my garment top, as he would not touch my breasts any more and the energy necessary to take it off wasn’t worth the effort. He climaxed and used his garment top to clean up the cum and immediately rolled back over–away from me.

Once, afterward, he turned toward me. I replaced my garment bottom and turned so my back was toward him and cried and prayed silently to let sleep overtake me, begging for some intervention to my grief and despair. Intervention that never came.

It is now years later…I’m divorced, and in a relationship with another ex-Mormon…

The climax is exhilarating as he kisses me and presses his weight into me. I feel his wet skin on mine and I breathe his scent in as he wraps his arms around me and rolls us both over, pulling me on top of him. I lay my head on his arm and turn my face into his neck, kissing his ear and neck softly. I feel every part of him.

I feel the soft underside of his arm next to my face, I feel his soothing breath as he eases into a rhythm that matches my own. I feel his heart beating and racing from the energy expended from the exhilaration of two bodies climaxing together.

He takes his hand and begins to slowly caress my side, the soft curves where my hip moves into my waist. His hand slowly moves up my side to my shoulder. We are so in touch with each other, it feels as though our bodies have become one. I can feel the imprints of his finger tips and I love it.

My legs are interwoven with his, my foot rests softly on top of his, moving ever so slowly up and down, feeling his toes and the soft inner inner skin of his foot. 

As his fingers tingle up my shoulders, I feel them move ever so evenly down the arch of my spine. My nerves and his hands are connected as he moves down and touches my contours. My skin is his skin. My breath is his breath. My heart beat is his heart beat. There is no such thing as time. There is no world outside of this moment. This is all there is; this moment, this experience.

As I lay here, being one with my lover, I marvel at another time when the most important thing was to put on garments after sex. The intimacy I have learned to embrace, I never dared to imagine in my former Mormon life. I have learned to embrace my body, my mind and my soul–and with them, my lover. It is I, who have expanded myself in this new life. I have learned to live in intimacy by being one with myself.

Thank you, Mormon God, for abandoning me, for with you in my life, I could never have known the joy of this moment.

  • Victoria says:

    You made me cry, both for the emptiness you once endured, and for the sublime intimacy you now embrace. Simply beautiful.

    May 22, 2013 at 3:10 pm
    • kaylayale says:

      Thank you Victoria.

      May 23, 2013 at 10:25 pm
  • Lorraine says:

    Thanks for sharing your very personal story. I am so happy that you found someone with whom you can have a very safe emotional and sexual relationship with.

    May 22, 2013 at 6:04 pm
  • pinkhedgehog says:

    Just stunning! I don’t know how anyone can feel sexy in garments, but then again, I guess that’s one of the functions of garments. How exquisite to find someone who knows you, and cares that you get what you need.

    May 22, 2013 at 9:21 pm
    • kaylayale says:

      Each day I am in awe that this wonderful man is in my life and that we are able to find such pleasure in each other. I often ruminate on my wasted life in mormonism, but when I think of him and how rich my life is now, I am at peace.

      May 23, 2013 at 10:24 pm
  • Judy says:

    Wow. Just. Wow. You have me rethinking my own sexuality, at the age of 50. Better late than never. Lube is about as naughty as I’ve ever gotten, tho’ thank the goddess, I never had to contend with garments. I always thought they were weird and icky. Now I wonder if my sexual problems stem from my upbringing. I am afraid to buy a fucking vibrator!!! I wonder if it’s natural that my husband wants to watch me masturbate. Well, better late than never! :D

    May 22, 2013 at 10:39 pm
    • Jill Searle says:

      Judy, you should so buy a vibrator. It’s a great stress reliever; and from the sounds of it you will give your husband a bit of a thrill too. ;o)

      May 23, 2013 at 5:47 am
    • kaylayale says:

      Yes, buy a vibrator, and I love the fact that your husband likes to watch you masturbate. I hope you embrace that.

      May 23, 2013 at 10:19 pm
  • Jill Searle says:

    Thank you for sharing. What an amazing and wonderful thing to find yourself in a fulfilling and loving relationship now. Good to know garments are useful for one thing… a cum towel. I hope your ex was able to work through his sexual issues and find a fulfilling relationship as well.

    I feel badly for what I put my ex-husband through. I was the one in our relationship turning my back, never initiating (unless you consider putting sex on the calendar as foreplay). I would get out of bed after sex go into the bathroom and clean up. I had no clue at the time but my sexuality would later become apparent to me once I was able to come out to myself and others as a lesbian.

    Thankfully I did this while still young enough (36) to enjoy a fulfilling and wonderfully intimate relationship with the love of my life; together now for 17 years.

    May 23, 2013 at 5:45 am
    • kaylayale says:

      A cum towel…ha, I love that. I am so happy for you Jill. Finding your authentic self is such a freedom. I am happy that you were also able to release your husband as well from a relationship that he could not find true intimacy in. I’m so glad you are sharing your story here. I hope it gives other people hope, as it does me.

      May 23, 2013 at 10:22 pm
  • yolanda says:

    I am so happy for you and your new found love, but I am confused at the point of this story; is it to share how sexually happy you are or to blame the Mormon church for how unhappy you once were? I am a Mormon, and I don’t believe that you should’ve stayed in such a terrible relationship as the first one sounded, however myself and many of my mormon friends are very comfortable with our sexuality and having fun in the bedroom. We’ve had girl’s nights at sex shops and everything:) Sometimes people just have problems, it doesn’t make it the Church’s fault. Nor is it your fault, it’s just how it is sometimes.

    June 14, 2013 at 12:06 pm
    • kaylayale says:

      I believe there are many Mormons who have found a middle ground, it works for them. There are a vast many others who cannot see that middle ground. Is it because of black and white thinking? Is it because of church teachings, such as Spencer W. Kimball’s book, The Miracle of Forgiveness? Is it because of local leaders who tell men and women that oral sex or positions other than the missionary position are forbidden? (And if you think this kind of stuff doesn’t happen, then you are naive.)

      Is it a combination of all of the above? As you read my post, I do not blame, I only share two opposite experiences to show how stifled I was and how liberated I am now.

      I leave open the interpretation in the middle for others to make up their own minds.

      June 17, 2013 at 7:02 am
    • NYCmommy says:

      I agree with Yolanda. Being Mormon and wearing garments really doesn’t have anything to do with how dysfunctional your sexual relationship was with your ex-husband. It sounds as if your ex had many issues he needed to resolve or else he was just a jerk and had no care for actually pleasing you. I am also glad that you were able to get away from this man.

      Yes, church leaders did discourage oral sex and possibly other positions at one time, but this is no longer. The current directive from church leaders is to freely do whatever both partners feel comfortable with.

      July 22, 2013 at 8:11 pm
  • somekindofquest says:

    This was so lovely. I feel all warmed up inside.

    January 23, 2014 at 8:18 pm