by Donna Banta
As a public service to women everywhere, the Ex-Mormon Mavens offer you another gem from the popular program:
GET A LIFE!
from BYU television
Sister Bailey: Good morning, I’m Karen Bailey, hostess of GET A LIFE! from BYU television. Our first guest is the popular LDS event planner, Randy Johnson, author of Queen for an Eternity. Welcome to the show, Brother Johnson.
Brother Johnson: Oh my heck, Karen, thank you for having me.
Bailey: Brother Johnson, you are a confirmed bachelor, is that correct?
Johnson: (nods eagerly) Absolutely, Karen.
Bailey: Nevertheless, you claim to love nothing more than planning a festive Mormon wedding. Why is that?
Johnson: (swoons) Oh my heck Karen, I’m an incurable romantic. A temple marriage is the dream of every good Mormon girl. Believe me, I know. I just want to make the dream a reality.
Bailey: What, in your opinion, is the key to planning that special day?
Johnson: The key, Karen, is preparation. This became clear to me years ago at my poor cousin Rae Ann’s wedding. She was blissfully happy when she and Rulon announced their engagement at the ward potluck.
Bailey: But all did not go well?
Johnson: (shakes his head) Three weeks later she was on Temple Square looking like a half-crazed, exhausted mess. Her hair was disheveled, her gown in a wrinkled wad, makeup melted down her face, and her mind was so confused that all she could do is mutter “that will do” over and over again.
Bailey: Dear me!
Johnson: (looks into the camera) Oh girlfriends, don’t let this happen to you!
Bailey: Indeed not! Brother Johnson, how can our viewers avoid such a horrible fate?
Johnson: (winks) Well, we all know that talking about the temple ceremony is taboo. But for the sake of all you girls out there, I’m going to be a teensy bit naughty and let you in on a few things.
Bailey: (smiles into the camera) Lucky viewers!
Johnson: First of all, the bulk of the endowment ceremony is spent dressing and undressing.
Bailey: Oh my heck!
Johnson: (gasps and pats his cheeks) Oopsie! Don’t get the wrong idea. All of this accessorizing is done over the bride’s wedding gown.
Bailey: Whew! That’s a relief.
Johnson: Not if she’s in a traditional wedding dress, Karen.
Bailey: Oh right, all that changing can damage the usual silk and satin.
Johnson: Exactly. The smart LDS bride wears a sturdy wrinkle-free fabric. I suggest canvas, fleece, rubber, corduroy, Kevlar, wicker, or burlap. A number of my clients have been pleased with the selection at Wasatch Tent and Awning.
Bailey: Good tip! I understand the staff at Wasatch T&A is very helpful.
Johnson: (nods in agreement) Tell them, “I want a Randy temple dress,” and receive a ten percent discount.
Bailey: (looks into the camera) Hear that, ladies?
Johnson: I also recommend my guaranteed “no-smear makeup,” which I insist on personally applying to each bride individually.
Bailey: And why do you insist on applying it yourself, Brother Johnson?
Johnson: It’s really a job for a professional. You can’t be too careful when handling spackle, concrete stain, and permanent marker.
Bailey: Good thinking. And how should the LDS bride style her hair?
Johnson: In the temple she will be required to wear a restrictive veil that will undermine all of her attempts at coiffure. I’m not allowed to show a picture, but imagine a tight shower cap with half of the shower curtain hanging off of it.
Bailey: How unfortunate.
Johnson: For this reason, I advise a ballet bun, always appropriate for the virginal Mormon bride.
Bailey: How very modest.
Johnson: (giggles) As they say, “modest is hottest.”
Bailey: Indeed they do!
Johnson: I also recommend my signature hair gel. She may purchase it off of my website, therandyjohnson.com, or she can make it herself by mixing together raw eggs, honey, car wax, shellac, dissolved lemon Jell-O (for color), and a pinch of cement.
Bailey: Will these simple ingredients really promise to keep her hair in place for that special day?
Johnson: Absolutely, Karen. But don’t take my word for it. (pulls a letter from his coat pocket) LaVay Meeks of Draper, Utah wrote me just last week:
Dear Brother Johnson,
One application of your hair gel and I was set, not only for the temple ceremony, but also for our honeymoon on the Bonneville Salt Flats. For the entire week, every hair stayed in place, and I was able to test drive high-speed experimental vehicles without a helmet.
Bailey: What a testimonial. It’s easy to see why the Mormon girls love you!
Johnson: The boys love me too, Karen. Go to my website, therandyjohnson.com, and check out my “Randy Bachelor Parties” as well as my “Elders Only Mission Reunions.”
Bailey: I have been talking with Randy Johnson, author of Queen for an Eternity. (holds up his book) That’s a darling picture of you on the cover, by the way.
Johnson: Why thank you, Karen.